‘You Know What You Are’ by Paul G. Tremblay
Cats: Vampire Fiction|
You know what you are? A goddamn flaccid penis.”
“And why is that?”
“Because you don’t have any spirit. No spark, no fire, no energy. You’re saggy and limp. You can’t make a goddamn decision without thinking about it for an eternity.”
“Gee, thank you.”
“See what I mean. I call you a ‘flaccid penis’ and you don’t even try to defend yourself.”
“More pressing matters call to my attention, William, rather than waste time defending myself to a troglodyte.”
“Yeah, well. Whatever that is, it’s not worse than a flaccid penis.”
“Really now, William. I rue the day I taught you that word.”
“Whaddya mean? I know what flaccid means, goddamn it. You’re sitting right next to me.”
“Be quiet now, the young ladies are looking our way.”
“That’s because they think you’re creepy, Chuckles.”
“William! Do NOT ever speak to me like that in public again.”
“Yeah, yeah. Man, this is what I’m talking about. You can’t take a joke.”
“This is hardly a laughing matter, William. We’ve hit quite the dry spell…”
“Was that, an attempt at humor, Charles?”
“Do not interrupt. As I was saying, we’ve run on some bad luck, and while I am trying to remedy the situation, all you do is make light of our predicament.”
“Look, Chuckles. You need to loosen up, let that greasy-ass hair down and relax. You’re oozing the desperate vibe over here.”
“I ooze nothing but an air of class and timeless confidence, William.”
“You ooze loser, Chuckles. Desperate-home-alone-plant-watering-cat-owning-pud-pulling-get-me-a-restraining-order loser.”
“QUIET! They are coming over to our table, William.”
“Of course they are. I sent them drinks, not psycho-perv-looks. Now, if you let me do the talkin’ our drought will end with a goddamn downpour, Chuckles.”
“I told you to never…”
“Hello, hello, have a seat. I’m Will and this stiff is Chuck.”
“Pay no attention to my silly friend please ladies, my name is Charles and I am delighted to make your acquaintance.”
“Good God no, he’s not my father. Although, he dresses like him.”
“William!”
“I’m just tryin’ to explain your costume to our new friends, Charles.”
“This is not a costume…Oh, why thank you, Melissa. See, William there are still those that appreciate refinement and fashion in a gentleman.”
“Fashion? You’re wearing a goddamn cape. Ow!”
“Your language! I apologize, ladies. William fancies himself a jester.”
“Ow, damn it. You didn’t have to kick me so friggin’ hard, Chuckles…I’m glad you are enjoying yourself at my expense, Sheila. No, I love a woman who’s not afraid to laugh, especially at someone else.”
“Pardon, Melissa? Oh, well, I am from merry old England originally.”
“I ran across our ball of fun while I was backpacking across Europe. He was just as much a hoot then as he is now.”
“Yes, I realize how different we seem, but we actually do have much in common, including the joint venture we started here in the United States.”
“You see, Chuckles here had the capital and I had the brains to start our dot-com company.”
“I know you are making a veiled reference to my visionary business acumen.”
“What? How the hell are you the freakin’ visionary.”
“I had the vision to realize that despite your irresponsible nature, your outlandish idea was actually solvent.”
“Whatever. Our company sells…ahem…tumbleweeds on the net.”
“Yes, I’m sometimes embarrassed to say, we sell tumbleweeds.”
“Oh, you’d be surprised. We sell mostly to movie companies, but also to interior decorators and wannabe tourists that can’t make it out to the great southwest. Okay that’s enough of the boring stuff; can we get you two another drink? Waitress! Over here!”
“Really, William, do you have to holler like that?”
“It’s the only way they’ll come in a place like this…see…Hi.
Long Island Iced-Tea’s, I’ll have a glass of Merlot…And what about you, Chuckles? We could share a bottle.”
“I don’t drink…wine.”
“Ugh. A water for Chuckles and change mine to a martini, please. Thank you…Sure no problem, we’ll be here.”
“Well, this is going well, isn’t it?”
“What? What the hell was that all about?”
“To what are you referring, William?”
“You’re Bela Legosi impersonation that chased our dates into the bathroom.”
“Well, you know I hate wine. Especially that pedestrian Merlot.”
“You’re killing me. You’re fucking killing me, Chuckles. You know goddamn well that we need to order alcoholic drinks if this is going to work.”
“Yes, well, I do not appreciate you ordering a martini. You are going to become rather intoxicated if you are drinking those. Remember what happened last time?”
“Shit, I’m gonna need a few pops if I’m gonna make it through the night with you….Goddamn…‘I don’t drink…wine’…Did you see the look on their pretty faces when you said that shit?”
“Really, William. Sometimes you stretch my patience to the limit.
“Seriously, Charles, when are you gonna get with the times, huh?”
“Oh, you mean adopt the modern sophistication of pumping the ladies full of alcohol until they see pink elephants?”
“See, another antiquated reference from the antique!”
“Why stop with booze when all you have to do is slip them a Mickey? Or is that too old school for you?”
“Charles, I’m talking about your dress, your manner, your approach to our whole situation. Christ, It’s the 21st century, not the…”
“My methods are beyond reproach. They have always worked and always will work! I will not allow you to change them.”
“Well, where have your methods gotten us lately? Do I have to tell you how long it’s been?”
“No you don’t, and calm down, William. They are returning.”
“Just let me do the talkin’. For the love of…”
“Welcome back. Have you ladies ever been to England?”
“Huh…Oh, that stinks, Melissa…No, no, we understand completely.”
“We hope that you are feeling better and we will cancel the drink orders with your apologies to the Waitress.”
“Yup, nice meeting you too…I don’t believe it…I don’t believe it…YOU GODDAMN IDIOT!”
“Oh, sure. Blame this on me while your behavior and language were deplorable. It’s a wonder they stayed as long as they did. A tribute to my charms, really.”
“M-Me? Who the…What the…Oh fuck this. Come on, dickhead. Time to leave.”
“Where are we going?”
“To meet our new friends.”
“No, I must protest, William. The young ladies simply chose not to spend any more time in our company. This is not part of our pact, William.”
“Screw the pact. I’m ending our dry spell, Charles. Now, come on…take your goddamn hand off my arm, Charles. I’m not messing around.”
“Neither am I. We are gentlemen of the night, William. Believe me, I appreciate your yearnings, your needs. I feel the same. However, we are not monsters. We are not stalking predators filling our needs against people’s will.”
“Charles, don’t kid yourself…You know what you are. And the dry spell ends tonight.”
*
“I can’t believe you talked me into coming back into such an awful place. Really, a single’s bar is hell on earth, William.”
“Shhh.”
“I am serious! It’s only been three weeks since the last fiasco. We are dooming ourselves to repetition by coming to a fetid hole like this.”
“What are you talking about? Our life is repetition. Same shit, different day!”
“What a perfectly vulgar yet pedestrian phrase to sum up our existence.”
“Oh, lighten up, Charles…Hey, how about those two over there?”
“I don’t know, William. I can’t choose properly anymore. Look what happened with the last choice I made, I got stuck with you.”
“Good one, chum…Come on now, stop being such a wet-fashion-challenged-sack and take your pick. Feel the possibilities the night has to offer. Christ, I can even smell it. Tonight is going to be our night, old boy. Just like it used to be when we first hooked up. Remember?”
“I’m sorry, William. I just don’t feel up to it.”
“Come on, for me, just look and choose. Any two you choose, they’re yours. I promise. How about those two guys over there, or ah..-two young females at 12 o’clock.”
“You pick, William. Really. Whomever you choose is fine.”
“For Christsakes…Waitress! Please send two more of whatever those ladies are drinking…Jesus, Charles. You know what you are? A goddamn flaccid penis.”
“And why is that, William?”
*******
(c) Paul G. Tremblay, All Rights Reserved.
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