‘Dead Dave’ by Robert-James Barker
Cats: Featured Writers|Hi, I’m Dave York, but no one ever calls me that, everyone calls me Dead Dave. Not because I’m dead, no not at all, but because I’m a killer. I’m a sort of preternatural assassin, It’s a dangerous job so I don’t do it alone. There used to be only the two of us, me and Louie. But because ol’ Dave here’s a soft heart’ the business is a threesome now, topped off by Saint Aloysus of the Grove, He’s a vampire. I know what you’re thinking, how can a vamp be a saint? Well, shit happens, know what I mean?
Actually, since you’re here I might as well tell you. I kill things, OK so some might say they’re already dead but whatever, I put them down for good.
Now, I could lie to you, tell you that I do this for the good of all those innocents walking about out there, or that I do it for the silly amounts of money I get. But, lets be honest here, I’ve known you for five minutes and I feel like we got some sort of bond going, maybe its karmic I dunno. I do it because it gives me a fucking kick.
Alright, I’ll get back to the story. It’s one of those slow days, right? I’m sat at the desk listening to the humming of the big fridge in the back and making little birds out of very expensive headed notepaper when he walks in. Don’t ask me how I know he’s one of them, I just do OK? You hang around them long enough you recognise them, no matter what camouflage they’re using.
This one looks like a short fat businessman, you’d never look at him twice. I’m not fooled, they can change their bodies, I got a monster in the office. It tells me it’s got a job for me in that slightly superior way they all have. Hey, I’m not gonna refuse, these guys pay me a retainer you wouldn’t believe. Says they’ve tracked down a Bloodvamp, one of the bad ones, name of Aloysus of the Grove. A plague carrier, y’know? One of those that can’t keep its blood in its veins. Has undead waking up all over the place. The hunters hate that, they hate vamps anyway but they really hate the ones that can’t control themselves.
Usually it’s a live and let unlive policy but they want this one gone. It gives me an address. Shit, I tell it, shit this can’t be right, but it just nods in a kinda way that stops me asking anymore questions. You ask too many question to these boys you’re likely to end up having your face eaten off, not pleasant, huh?
Ok, so I got the job at this unbelievable address, but a jobs a job isn’t it? The hunter walks out and leaves me to prepare. Now, killing a bloodvamp’s hard, you know the routine right? Stake through the heart, behead it then put wolfsbane in the mouth. Well that’s a pretty good starting point, old fashioned but it’ll work. ‘Course, we got more modern ways now but they still involve getting close, and don’t be taken in by that stake ‘em in the coffin ‘cos they can’t get up during the day stuff. I got scars on my back that prove it’s bullshit. Not that I mind of course, I like it up close and personal.
Y’see, killing a vamps not like…killing a werewolf say, you can’t just walk up to it and pop a couple of silver caps in it’s head ‘cos it’ll turn round and rip your throat out. Silver bullets hurt them but if they’re old they just tend to get pissed off. Y’know where I’m going, I can see.
Hey, talking of werewolves you should have seen me last week. One of the local biker packs lieutenants had pissed off a lady hunter. Jeesh, he pissed off a lady and he still got his head? Female of the species, y’know what I’m saying here.
Anyway’s took him with a scoped rifle at five thousand yards. Pretty proud of it, hunters wanted it kept secret but I think the lupe’s suspect it was me. If one of your guys gets killed you want it to be by the best don’t you?
Where was I? Oh yeah, killing vamps, best ways a crossbow, load it with a yew stake, shoot the fucker then I get Louie to hose him down with the flamethrower. However, that’s not gonna happen in this case. See, the hunters want an example made, want him dissected and strewn across the city or dragged out into the daylight to burn.
So I start to get ready, get out a chicken, start the chalk drawings on the floor. What? Oh course, you haven’t met Louie have you, so the chickens not gonna make sense.
One of my various talents is voodoo. Y‘see Louie bought it about four years ago, silly fucker tried to help an old lady who was being mugged and got himself shot up. What I gotta do is raise Louie, Dead Dave and his zombie partner who lives to ride again. Yeehaa.
So, I get all the ritual out the way, behead the chicken etc. Louie’s getting out of his fridge, then he stands up, stops looks at me and says one word,
“Shoebox”
Shoebox, huh? Now, it doesn’t matter what sort of Houngon voodoo black magic party I got goin’ down here, Louie ain’t moving ‘till he gets his shoebox. See, it’s hard to raise a zombie that don’t rot and I’m good but I ain’t perfect, who is? Now Louie don’t rot, you can stand next to him and he’s as fresh as a daisy. When he ain’t up I keep him in the fridge, you don’t want a partner who smells of rotting flesh. Am I right or am I right? But see, I got one little problem, it’s ears, don’t matter what kinda magic I try to use I cannot get Louie’s fucking ears to stay on. So I keep them in a shoebox, an’ Louie won’t go anywhere without it.
So Louie’s got his shoebox and I’m sorting out the kit, crossbow, shotgun, flamethrower, Beretta, just the usual stuff. I give Louie a cross ‘cos deaths given him religion. A cross is no use if you don’t believe, and I believe very little. I gotta have evidence you know? I can tell you do, you seem like a stand up kinda guy, despite the shirt.
Anyhow, we load up the kit bag and I give it to Louie to carry, he’s always been a lot stronger than me, he’s brawn, I’m brain, we go get the car.
One thing about Louie, he don’t talk much, he never has done, apart from the occasional “shoebox” I don’t hear a peep out of him most days. Of course, that’s one of the reasons we get along so well. So you can imagine how surprised I am when we’re driving downtown and Louie starts asking me questions,
“Where we going Dave” he says. Now that might not seem much to you but believe me, as far as I’m concerned that’s a minor fucking miracle y’know what I mean here?
“On a job Louie” I tell him, he nods and I brush a fly off where his ear should be, maggots on your partner, doesn’t go down well with the clients, who can blame them?
Anyways, after this minor intrusion we arrive there, and Louie? Louie just stares at me, hey! I’m wondering whether I’m going mad. Me an’ Louie are about to go vamp hunting in a church. Now, you don’t have to tell me about this. I know the rules OK? That vamp should be a pile of ash or an incandescent pillar of flame. Don’t know if there is a god but I know the power of a place of worship on these things. Boom! You know what I’m saying here?
So we get the gear out, now you might be wondering why everyone isn’t looking at me when I’m walking around with a zombie who has a flamethrower strapped to his back. It’s one of those magic things. If you’re a human your not programmed to see most of the weird shit. You’re wandering round in your happy little mundane world, you don’t wanna be seeing zombies, it’d ruin your day, put you of your stride when you’re giving it to the secretary back at the office. Hey, you laughin’? Thought you would be, man of the world ain’t you?
So, we walk into the church and fuck me, if the vamps not putting flowers into a vase by the alter, cassock and all. Well, I’m stunned, I’m sure you can imagine. One of hells-own-grave-things is wandering around a church polishing consecrated objects. Not something you see everyday.
I’m looking at Louie feeling a bit confused and Louie’s looking a bit worried at a fly that’s buzzing around the vestry. Only one thing I can do.
“You Aloysus?” you know what it says? It says yes my son, then asks me if I’m there to kill it. This is one fucking weird day. How do I answer that? Well, I’m a truthful guy, so I go with the truth and tell him I am. Then ask if he’d be good enough to come outside with me. It says yes. Fuck! I’m a curious guy, so I have to ask how it’s found god. Wish I hadn’t, that sets it off.
“I am Aloysus, the world was young when I came into the life. The lord of the grove himself initiated me, I have spread the gift at every opportunity. But that was wrong, God came to me in a dream, he showed me the truth, he showed me the everlasting forgiveness that can be found in the word of Lord Jesus Christ our saviour”
About this moment ol’ Dave here feels like he’s about to throw up, only so much preaching a man can take, and giving Louie his cross is enough for me. But anyway, I got questions for Aloysus.
“How do you go without blood?” ‘Course, should have seen this coming, it picks up a bottle of consecrated wine, pours it into a chalice and drinks deep.
“transubstantiation, the lord will provide for his servants” it says and grins, then drinks more wine. I’m a bit nervous about this, don’t seem right a vamp kicking about in a church. Fuck the rules I ask Louie to torch it. Y’know what he does, he shakes his head. I hate this, a zombie is beholden to its master, it ain’t meant to be able to say no. Louie always was a stubborn sonovabitch.
“I don’t mind coming outside with you” the vamp says, and it’s fucking smiling. This is all a bit worrying, I motion it outside with the berretta.
“It’s loaded with silver hollow points so no fucking about Aloysus” I tell it.
It’s just smiling as it walks down the aisle towards the door. I really don’t need my day getting any weirder. I put the gun away in frustration, what’s a guy do? Well, this guy follows a vampire out of a church and into broad daylight, with his zombie tagging along behind. The vamp throws opens the doors and is bathed in the sort of bright sunlight that any self respecting citizen would wear sunglasses in. This fucking vamp is just stood there, doesn’t even have the decency to smoulder.
“The lord is my shield” it’s saying, then follows it with a load of mumbo jumbo and gives me a pamphlet. “You may want to read this, god loves all his children”.
Jesus H Christ on a moped, a vampire evangelist, all I fucking need. But I’m not really looking at that, I’m looking outside, and what do I see? Hogs, Harleys, lots of ‘em ridden by a dirty looking bunch of creeps. Beards like you wouldn’t believe, I’m tellin’ ya. Now I’m not really bothered by bikers, they leave me alone, I don’t kill them, but I know this lot. The blue lupes. I killed one of ‘em remember? Glad you do, shows your paying attention. I can see one of these boys getting off his bike and coming towards me, so I walk out to meet him, manners, y’know? As I walk out I’m thinking, they must have sussed it was me so having a talk with one of their lieutenants probably isn’t a good idea. Let’s face it, this guy could rip my arm off and beat me to death with the wet end, and he wouldn’t even break sweat.
So I do the only sensible thing, shoot it. In the head. Twice. Just to make sure. Now that should be the end of it, as a rule, show your dominant by, well by killing one of them and the lupes back down. But then Aloysus kicks off. Fuck, this is a bad day.
“Vermin!” he shouts “abominations in the eyes of the lord!”. Well, that’s it, all fucking hell breaks loose. All the bikers go furry and attack the vamp. Louie sees them attacking a priest and goes furry himself then dives in. I go sit in the church to think for a bit. Thinking, I can see your doin’ it too, how can a zombie be a werewolf?
Believe me the first time Louie went furry it was the second thought goin’ through my head. The first bein’ I gotta get out of here. Didn’t matter, even when he’s furry he still seems to be my friend. The only answer I have is that magic isn’t an absolute is it? You can’t have a furry zombie, but you can’t have a Christian fundamentalist vampire either can you?
Weird shit goes off all the time. I look outside the church to see how Louie and the vamp are doing. They seem to be holding their own but it’s getting a little hairy. Sorry kid, couldn’t resist that one.
The weird thing is that none of the people passing seem to be able to see what’s going on. Not even the fight, they just cross the street as if there’s road-works or something. Apart from one guy, he must have a little bit of talent, he’s stood there in his smart suit holding his briefcase and his eyes look fit to pop out of his head. If he don’t shut his mouth he’s going to end up catching flies. Seeing this’ll keep his psychiatrist in nose candy for years. But back to it.
What am I gonna do? The vamp don’t shrivel in the sun and Louie seems to have taken a shine to him. I’m gonna have problems taking him out on my own and I’d really rather not push my luck with Louie, my creature or not. My father was not like me. He was a small mousy man who worked as a clerk for a big faceless corporation. All his life he trooped backwards and forwards to and from the office never dreaming of anything bigger. That makes him the bravest man I ever met in my book. Me and my father never really got on, I looked down on his office job and he thoroughly disapproved of me killing people, but he did tell me one thing that has always proved useful.
“Dave,” he’d say, “Dave, when you come across something that leaves you unsure what to do. Ask your boss.”
It seems like a good idea. So I ring the hunters and hope they can’t here the yelping and cries of “Unclean vermin” and “abominations in the eyes of God”. From outside. So I tell the hunters about it, how he’s found god, how he doesn’t burn and how he’s helping save my skin.
Then I have to listen to five minutes of panpipe hold music while they discuss things. If there is one thing that the hunters are it’s curious and if there is another it’s cruel. This is how I ended up with a vamp in the office. What the hunters say is that this idea of a Christian vamp interests them and since I found him they think he should be my responsibility. Great I get to baby-sit the undead.
So, I got my answer from the boss now I gotta sort out the mess outside, I’ve always found that for sorting out the dog boys nothing beats the Ithaca pump action shotgun, filled with silver shot of course. Now I’m the sort of man who likes a bit of a show and I know this makes a big impression on the lupes so I go for it. Kick open the church doors, load a round into the breach one handed like you see in the films and blow two of the lupes away.
“Hello boys!” I thought saying that was a nice touch. The lupes start to back away, the leader changes his face back enough to talk.
“We won’t forget this Dave.” He growls, like I oughta be scared or something.
Then they just get back on their bikes and leave. The wonders of the shotgun eh? Aloysus don’t even look bothered, his cassocks a bit torn though, Louie’s gonna need a bit of stitching up but I’ll sort that out when we get home. Hey, I could try sewing his ears on, wonder if he’d let me, he’s touchy about the cosmetics of things sometimes.
Anyway, that’s why I’m a threesome, that’s old Dead Dave’s story, I get a discount for that kid? No! what, you get my life story and I don’t even get a discount. What’s life coming to. Hey come back kid, I got other stories. Come back! There better be extra anchovies on this or your boss at Pizza Life is gonna get a roasting!
Shit, kids now, no respect.
© All works subject to Copyright Robert James Barker
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